HOW TO BECOME A VEGETABLE: A journey, A guide, A lifestyle. ~Amir Sulman.


A dialogue.

"I know what you are."

"Say it."

"You live in the dark and you prefer cool shady places."

"Say it."

"Your skin peels in the sun and you start corroding."

"Say it."

"You will live forever. There is no escaping you."

"Say it."

"You are.... *rapid shallow breaths* are."
"You are a potato."

*dhishum dhishum*


A statement.

Pizza is a vegetable. Period.

Turn on your location. 
I will find you and I will argue with you. 
I will come with my color coded catalogues and my research journals and I will destroy you. 

A philosophy. 

There are stages to everything in life. You know the likes. 
The five stages of grief. 
Child abuse-mental breakdown-psychopathic tendencies-murder. 
Scratch that last one. 
Anyways, so are to becoming a vegetable. A few of us have always felt like out of place. We could not just fit in the natural crowds. I am not talking about being the f***ed up kind. The kind that sticks their pencils in their nostrils or anything but the kind that has a very indifferent attitude towards life. I will further my statement with a bad example. 

Exhibit A: Mona Lisa doing a striptease. 

Sorry, wrong exhibit. But still not a bad example. You would actually be kind of repulsed by it if you actually visualize it.

Cash me ousside how bout dat.

(The real) Exhibit A: A conversation with my friend, who in her spare time likes to pretend that she is a grizzly bear. She shows me this picture of a guy and asks my views on it.

Me: "I can tell, he is Chinese."

She: "Nope."

Me: "Japanese?"

She: "Still wrong. He is Korean."

Me: "Yeah, that's what I said."

She: "You are racist."

Me: "Nor really. If I can't tell them apart, how does that make me racist?"

We are not friends anymore. :(

Grizzly would like to show the public evidence that this was indeed an obviously korean person, and a rather cute one at that.

As a kid when I used to write essays in my English class. My teachers would always complain about the absolute absence of punctuation. It was always a very very long sentence. Not to forget partly irrelevant to the topic. Or if I would win something, they would say "Aren't you excited?". And I would stretch the corners of my mouth and bar my teeth. 
Like at the dentist. 
In short I was the autistic child who had learnt to respond to human situations from flash cards. 
I struggled. 
I failed. 

So this has been my journey to become the ultimate vegetable in life. I know most of you don't have a life and in your free time do online searches like:

  1. How to get a girlfriend/boyfriend?
  2. How to trick you stomach into thinking you ate that week?
  3. How to smell like a Christmas ornament?

So on and so forth. So here is something. I hope this helps. 

Stage 1. Red hot chilli pepper. 

Everyone starts of like they carry the universe's fury in their bum. The conceited, butt-headed new bloomers. 
You have to be wild. Try new things. Speak your mind. Be a little stupid. 
Like someone? Go to that place in the university where everyone can hear you and confess it. 
You got rejected? Go to the bathroom and slit your wrists. 
Because #YOLO. 
Give inflammatory statements about taboo and sensitive matters. Eat all the meat you can. Hello. Plants clean the atmosphere. Save the world. Thank you.
And if in this era of war, terrorism, bullying and violence, you think someone is different or weird, you should criticize them as much as possible. It's very important to have your voice heard. 
Nobody can judge you. Unless you get arrested, then the judge can. I can't help you there. 

Stage 2: Cool as a cucumber.

Now that you have mastered stage one. It's time we move to the next level. 
This is the part where you become the trick-ass sketchy person. 
You get to be a little more passive aggressive. 
You pretend to be peaches and honey on the outside but inside you are still evil.
It's like the ugly pupa transition phase. 
You don't want to come off too strong but still want people to know that you are in charge. For example: my family. 
You know the kind of people who are absolutely horrible but you still love them cause they are family? 
Well, mine is not like that. 
I feel like a hostage situation. 
Dishonor on my cow. 

I have a very interfering mother. Like when I was a kid she would call my to teachers to ask how I was doing at school. Or try to get to know my friends. 
So one day I took her to a cricket stadium. 

To show her what boundaries look like and I said, "mother, look". 
To which she replied, "I don't see 'em". 
I was like, "I know". 

Bottom line: do some experimenting. See what works for you.

Stage 3. The impassive deadpan poker-faced potato.

The final stage for which all the devotees of the vegetable religion should aim for. 
The no curr stage.
The indifference. 
This is more or less a spiritual rather than a physical state. A process rather than a moment in time and space. 
Once you enter this phase, your acne will clear up. 
You grades will improve. 
Your debts will be paid.
You will have a boyfriend/girlfriend. 
(Haha. No, I am just kidding about the last part.) 

For me, I entered this phase some time ago. So there is this artist called Lorde. Someone sent me a YouTube link. 
And my first thought was. The Ring made a sequel? 
And the time I saw her live while everyone around me went gaga crazy. 
I just was worried if she was having a seizure. 
Another thought on my mind was if I stood next to her 'will her hair come to life and devour me'? 
See, what I mean? Instead of being in the heat of the moment and enjoying actual music, I was having an existential crisis. 
I was in a different state of mind. 
So will you be.
Someone's cat died. You can't relate because your pet is a rock. 
Someone ran a mile in a minute. You get up at 7:45 and are in class at 8:00. Showered and fully dressed. Everyday. Big deal. 

Long story short. Once you have had such an experience, you know you are close to your goal. Just bask in that glory. And let them haters hate. Haters gonna hate, potatoes gonna potate!


P.S: just try not entering stage four: French fries. You gon get eaten b*tch. 
P.P.S: if you are trying to be a fruit. Try not to be a mango. Beside all that splendor, you will be blended into a banana hybrid milkshake. 

Disclaimer: Try at your own risk. This is subject to individual interpretation, however, this is not a scripture. Also, I am not God, so if you make any alterations, I can and will sue your arse.


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