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The Perks of Having a Round Face ( JK, there are none ;_;)


 By~ Romesa Qaiser Khan

The only perk I was able to find.
It's not always that one finds a person in a constant existential crisis. And yet we all know that one "round" person (who FYI may not even be round but just has chubby cheeks okay? OKAY?) who becomes forever defined and limited to a shape. Worst part is, nobody even thinks of it as shape-based discrimination, when in fact it should be right up there on the no-go list of remarks with racial and gender based discrimination. -.-

Here are a few life struggles every round person goes through (when they shouldn't have to). THE STRUGGLE IS REAL:

1. The Physical Assault:

 Randos and friends alike will come out of nowhere and go straight for the cheeks. They pull and pinch and think they're flattering you when they're mostly being a pain in the...zygomatico-maxillary area. Added bonus: those "oh-sho-cuuttttteeee, mela paala baby" sound effects.
IT HURTS PEOPLE and it does not earn you points with us. Geroffus.

HEAR HEAR.

2. The Emotional Range of a Teaspoon:

One of the prime horrors of having a chubby face that all those expressions deemed attractive by the whole world such as brooding, intense-staring-off-into-the-deep-unknown, smoldering and even the most pathetic of them all, the duck-face, mainly make you look like you have Irritable Bowel Syndrome if you try to pull them off. God made you with that happy-go-lucky expression.....and then fixed it with 100% natural botox on your face...FOREVER.

yep, that's the whole range.
Rockstar, the round version.

3. The Weight Justification:

Somehow people will never consider you as thin as your long-faced counterparts even if you're actually skinnier. You constantly have to say "No, I'm not fat, I just have chubby cheeks." "No, that is not a double chin, just my cheeks overflowing on to my neck"


 And God-forbid, if you actually do gain even the slightest bit of weight.....BYE BYE HUMAN. HELLO BAYMAX.

End.of.Discussion.

 4. The Sacrifices:

In a group selfie, it's either you or the rest of the gang (which mostly ends up being you). So no matter how far you hold the camera or how much you try to edge to the back of the frame, your cheeks will conquer all. They will dominate and eclipse everyone you love.

Because I'm just cool like that *internal sobs*


And the only (supposedly) flattering comments you get will be along the lines of "DEM CHEEKS <3"

That is my reaction. In all my chubby glory.

5. The C-word:

Short of having plastic surgery (a plausible option some days) no matter how much effort you put into getting ready, no matter how much make-up you slather on or how much you style your hair, your appearance will always be labelled by the hated C-word. It's honestly as if people didn't even build up their vocabulary to the third-grader level. Charming, flawless, pretty or even nice will do. Why do you HAVE to pick cute?

Call me cute one more time.

6. The Identity Crisis:

It's like the rest of your body becomes secondary to that one deposit of fat. Aunties/Uncles will always ask "beta, kaunsi class main ho?" You will always look about three years younger than your actual age and people will frustratingly treat you according to that speculated number. When you do correct them eventually, you'll get a disbelieving "waqai? lagti/lagtay to nai ho" Insert teeth grinding noise.

Aunties/uncles..... -.-

7. The Awkwardness:

People don't realize complimenting chubby cheeks is basically complimenting body fat, however localized. It's the equivalent of a situation when you think someone's expecting and congratulate them only to discover otherwise. Yeah, that bad.


definitely, that bad.

8. The Nicknames:

Raise your hand if your alter ego is called "Golu" "Goploo" "Chikooo" "Rasgullay" or any other demeaning variations on the food theme. The best part is always how your friends will choose the worst moments like when you're standing in the middle of crowd or worse, talking to a cute person to holler at you. And that too loudly enough to make our resident pigeons migrate to Honolulu. Apply face directly to wall at times like these.











9. The Health-tips: 

We've all heard them. "Chingum chabbaya karo takay gaal andar chalay jain" "Chocolate kam khaya
karo" and the weirdest of them all, "If you slap your cheeks daily, they'll eventually flatten". Like wow.

initial reaction...

Please feel free to apply salt (balkay no, Chilli Garlic sauce) to the gaping wound you've just created in my self-esteem.

and then. Wannabe Zubaida apas, Ya hear?

10. The Happily (n)Ever After: 

If by some Holy miracle, "agar apke sitaray gardish main aa jain", and you lose the chubbiness via starvation (or liposuction), and think that all your problems are now solved.....HA. Think again. People will go back in time on your Facebook to hunt down and like every single fat picture of you and hence effectively plaster it over News Feed for the world to see. And the whole cycle of "WOAH IS THAT REAALY YOU, LOL DEM CHEEKS" begins again. Rinse and repeat. THERE IS NO ESCAPE.
oh well.

Ending Note:
 Having experienced all of the above myself, ALL YOU ROUND PEOPLE, Keep fighting! Someday, just like it did with Po the Panda, the world will wake up and realize the mind-blowing awesomeness that is round people. Like KAPOW!
Besides (in a parallel far-off universe) fat is the new cheekbones in facial beauty.

HERE'S SOME MOTIVATIONAL TALK.

Comments

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