Skip to main content

The lost year of finding contentment

I am in the middle of my house job. The future spreads in front of me wide like an ocean. Uncertain like its depths. And scary with all its uncertainties. In my best years , I was never the one with plans about myself. And at 24 with a graduate degree , in middle of one-year internship  and with flimsiest of idea of future , I am far from anyone's best. But after a long time , I feel useful. It's not like when you are in college (possibly just me) when you go for enjoying with friends or sleeping. But working in hospital will do that to you. Make you feel useful. The truth is I am doing a surgical rotation and I am as far from being a good surgeon in making as its possible. My hands had never learnt any skill and they seem as hell to be resisting now. If I am being honest to myself , I don't do anything any other average doctor won't do. But it feels good when a patient goes  home after a big surgery. After a foreign body removal from eye. I may not have saved any life. Maybe in my ignorance I have been part in (God forbid) harming someone. But the lives I have made better seem to make it all worthwhile. Medicine is like a magicians trick. It starts pulling you in when you were sure you had escaped its charm. 

The beautician attendant (who shared my name) giving me card for her parlour. The organic Falsey i now regret not taking from a really good family. The awe-inspiring young well-mannered quiet nephew  taking incredible care of his uncle and his family insisting on making me eat something (which I still refused feeling incredibly inadequate) even after seeing a death of a fellow patient and his attendants rants on how I and my fellow doctors had killed him. I had never felt such gratitude (after finally  breaking down at end an incredibly hard week)of than when my patients had complete confidence in me (after that particular death ) because they had seen that I was giving whatever I had to them. They gave confidance even more than my colleagues that day to continue being me. 

Some seniors are of the view that the clerical work we do wastes away from our study time. But the clerical work forms part of patient interaction. And these four months of my life have rewarded me so much with just the time spent with my patients. I am not a casual Punjabi conversing guy who makes all male patients at ease. But I do try my best to listen to patients. And that's the part I am going to miss most if I decide to go with my dreams. The feeling of these random prayers so casually given to us. And that is why the year is probably gonna be one of my most memorable year along with being one of the most difficult ones. Like the sabbaticals people take. Or the year they spend building houses somewhere. The year of changing perspectives. The year of being different. The year of unknown. 

It's the year I have realised my qualities and my flaws like I had never before. Hearing even a little praise for my management skills gives me courage to pursue the daunting dreams. It's the year I have come to know how much I have changed from  being a care free person. It's the year of finally admitting how much I have not changed in still caring entirely too much of what my teachers think. It's the year of finding out how inadequate my hands are still are after all those years. It's the year of finally accepting that that's okay. Because in the end we are more than our knowledge. We are more than our surgical skills. We are more than just a collection of our good and bad characteristics. We are in truth the hearts hiding deep underneath it all. And that thank God is the real make or break deal


Popular posts from this blog

Lecture Slides: Urology; Renal cell Carcinoma

1st Year IMPORTANT TOPICS (Anatomy)

By Farkhanda QaiserOkay finally here it is. The all-important guide for the 1st year students. I’ve compiled all the prof and sendup questions of last year as well as the remnants of class tests that I had.But before you go on to read them, keep in mind the following very tested tidbits:For profs, NEVER leave any topic untouched and unread. Go through all topics so that in viva, you have atleast some idea about what the examiner is asking.NEVER lose your sendup question paper because there are high chances that some of the questions will be repeated in profs as you can see in the following example of anatomy question paper and same goes for the MCQs. Most of them are repeated. So here’s what we had done, in our facebook class group, we had made a discussion topic, and everyone told the MCQs of sendups and discussed them. Well, you may think us nerds or whatever but trust me that discussion proved very fruitful for all those who participated in it.I think enough has bin said about orga…

USMLE Step 1 Experience by Ayaz Mehmood (Score : 99/266)

USMLE Step 1 Experience by Ayaz Mehmood (Score : 99/266)
Salam everyone, let me start in the name of Allah who’s the greatest benefactor of all mankind. I am going to write a detailed composition regarding preparation for USMLE Step 1. I am a final year student at King Edward Medical University and I took my exam on June 10th. Final year is the year before internship/ house job in Pakistan. I just got my scores: 99/266

Let me introduce some myths surrounding USMLE Step 1 which are especially prevalent within Pakistan; I am not too sure about India because I heard their students typically appear in their final years.

 Myth number 1:Do not appear for USMLE Step 1 within your graduation

 Verdict: Baseless, illogical reasoning

Explanation: This is so prevalent in Pakistan it’s almost pathetic. One of the biggest concerns surrounding our students is that Step 1 is a huge risk to be taken before graduation. Let me put it in another way: Step1 would always remain a risk whenever it is taken, …