How To Fail-A Complete Guide

by Aneeqa Javed
1st Year

Confused? Wondering why I’d rather post ways to fail the tests than give you some advice? The answer is quite simple. Everyone at KE is a topper, the cream of nation. They must have never failed in their lives. So I thought it’d be good to fail, just for a change. And the nerds around here are giving me the creeps. They need to go easy with this nerdy stuff. And try something new, something as fresh as a failure! :)

The one thing you need to keep in mind is, always be late to your lectures. Never be on time. Punctuality will spoil you. Spoil you bad. All you have to do is fool around in the Piccadilly or the lawns a little after your classmates rush past you to the lecture theatres. Trust me, this will help.

Secondly do not dare to listen to the lectures. It would only leave you befuddled and struggling for breath when all the others around you ask such questions which you could never have come up with, not even in your wildest dreams. Shove a pair of headphones in your ears or even better, keep talking to the person beside you and don’t even let them study. Yes, much better.

Yes. That's what the nerdy cat says too.


Making notes:
When it comes to making notes, don’t bother. Have some faith in yourself. Of course you will go home and open up your books and read what has been taught (which you wouldn't, but it’s not really difficult to lie to yourself).
When it comes to a night before test, try doing something productive; watch a movie, read a novel, eat, hang out, count the stars, eat again, watch another movie, think over what life is, eat once more.

The stomach growls every single time!

 After you are done with this, it would probably take your whole day. Nope, this time wasn't wasted. Now that you’re done with it, waste another hour asking your friends about the syllabus and telling them how miserable you are that you haven’t even opened your book (which they wouldn't believe) and finally open your book with a heavy heart. 

My expressions when I try to study.

When you study:
I know the feels. Read the first few sentences, read them again, read them yet another time. Ah! The kind of feeling you get. That comfortable pillow beneath your elbow feels more alluring than ever. The blanket over you feels warmer than ever. Your eyelids start drooping and it’s a struggle in keeping them open. This is when you can actually feel your brain shut down and every muscle and bone in your body begging for you to sleep. Okay. You text your friend, ‘yaar kal ka paper kradaen’ The next minute you have zonked out and you have escalated to some place where heaven is, some place where there is absolutely no medical, no books, no tests. Dreams, that is.

How to attempt your test:
The next day when you have the test in your hand, stare at it. Stare at it with such intensity that it leaves holes in the paper. Laugh. Cry. Laugh again. Breathe. Poke your friends sitting around you. Peek at their papers. What’s that written? Polyacrylomjhuyuio. Don’t get it? Copy whatever you see. Don’t bother trying to understand it. That’s the code “you write whatever you see”. Make your own sentences. Yes, that’s how you do it. Leave a question or two and submit your test before everybody else does. You wouldn't want to stay till the end. The post-test discussions will leave you with a dreaded feeling and shatter your confidence to teeny tiny little pieces.

Breathe. Relax. Smile. And fail. :)

Easy, isn't it?


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