Better Safe Than Sorry

Ayesha Mushtaq

1st Year

KE ought to have its name in Guinness by now. Not for its age; neither for its graduates nor for its history. Then?

“For being home to the largest variety of theeta species on Pak Sar Zameen”

These theetas come in all shapes and sizes, may belong to any year, hail from the most metropolitan or the remotest area, but one thing that they all have in common is their eternal love for books. No, not books as in any form of literature, but books as in course books. The drab, dreary and monotonous course books that one doesn’t even want to see, let alone go near those.

And it is precisely this common love that brings them together despite their diverse backgrounds and ties them into a bond of theetahood.

HOW TO IDENTIFY A THEETA:

Well of course I don’t really need to tell you that, for we all know a theeta the moment we see one. Be it early in the morning while they are on their way to the university or those few moments of sheer bliss before the teacher enters the lecture theatre (which normal people like you and me spend in happily chatting away) the theetas always have their noses buried deep inside their books, totally oblivious of their surroundings. They would be so engrossed in studying that you may even pick up their belongings and run away, and they probably wouldn’t notice (not that I am endorsing it in any way though!) .

While walking anywhere in the university, their eyes are focused not on their path, but move back and forth with every line they read. You would find these fellows – who are more often than not bespectacled – always in the lecture theaters at least a good ten minutes before the teacher arrives, sitting in the very front row with registers placed in front of them and pens in their hands (and once they are done with all this preparation, they go back to studying, mind you). And once the teacher starts speaking, they listen to each and every word and then imprint it directly on the brain. They would answer any and every question the teacher throws to the class with a proper introduction, explanation and conclusion while you just stare with dropped jaws, as your mind races wildly in its quest to comprehend all the terminology that sounds so alien.

These people hug their books before going to bed – that is, if they ever sleep at all. And the first thing they do as soon as they get up in the morning is to reach for their books straightaway. They know each and every word of their BD, Guyton and Lippincott, and even go that extra mile by lending their time to Snell and KLM and Gannong and Harper and what not. Ask them a question and they’ll recite all the relevant lines from all the books without a pause, with even the commas and hyphens and full stops!

 They avidly perform all the practicals and have their notebooks completed well in time, and volunteer to perform dissection as well. These are the people who almost always have 100% attendance at the end of the year, and also the notes of all the lectures – even the ones you didn’t know were delivered in spite of having attended those. Talk to them before a test or exam and they’ll tell you that

“yaar bilkul tyari nae ki”

“kuch bhi nae aata”

“main ne tou ek lafz bhi nae  parha”

“buri tarha fail hon ge is baar tou”

But if you look at them during the test, they’ll be scribbling away at the fastest imaginable speed. And when the result comes out, they invariably have the highest marks, and you are left to wonder how did that happen?

APNI HIFAZAT AAP KAREN!

You know why I just told you all these identities of a theeta?

So that you can safely keep yourself away from any theetas within a 1 km-radius! For the common, non-theeta people like me, and probably you are one too if you are reading this, the kinds who study just the night before a test or substage and forget all they’d learned as soon as they are done with it, living close to a theeta who crams at 120 words/min can be highly detrimental to health. Extensive researches on this subject by our able seniors have shown that constant exposure  to the theeta lifestyle can cause extreme stress and mental torture. And not all can withstand the constant pressure offered by a theeta in the vicinity.

me vs theetas

 So if you are like me who gets nervous at the sight of these “cramming machines” and if you forget all you have memorized as soon as you hear one of these fellows recite what they have memorized at 60 words/min, if that large pile of books scares you to death and if you want to bang hard either your head or theirs on a wall as soon as you see a theeta memorizing madly, then it is better to steer clear of these species. This will not just ensure that you preserve your sanity but may also go a long run in helping you avoid a nervous breakdown which the proximity of a theeta potentially offers.

Lets keep calm, and meanwhile, to the theetas - Happy Ratta-fying !  ;P