Skip to main content

My terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days - THE PROF

AYESHA SAEED MALIK
1st YEAR MBBS

I thought I'd not be blogging till the end of prof, I thought I wont be wasting time, I thought I'd be serious about my studies, I thought I could take over the arena of prof like a victorious gladiator. I thought wrong. Haven't been more wrong in my entire life.
I'd heard heard dire tales from a lot of people including my mother, of a hellish land of books, despair doom, disdain, depression, anxiety and worthlessness - A land ruled by a merciless king called THE PROF. I thought I could handle it. I mean, after surviving four years of gruelling matric and fsc how could I have thought otherwise?
But, now just a glimpse of this devil's dungeon and I am desperately looking for an exit. I dont think I'd even make a month out of it. It's a no-survival zone. No one comes out of it un-harmed! It's like being stuck in your worst nightmare with no way out. No hope. No life. Nothing. Only, pitch darkness.

Like most obtusely delusional people I thought I could do it, I could pass. It didn't take long before I took a 180 degree turn and accepted the cruel reality.
I cant study. I try. I want to, but I cant. I yank myself out of my comfort zone and open my text books only to be terrorized by the mountain of untouched, unstudied syllabus that needs to be memorized. I take deep breaths, fill my lungs with air beyond their capacity and tread on an expedition that has no hope of treasure. I struggle for 10 minutes maximum before my stamina gives in and I leave my books as it is and run out of my room to sit in front of the tv or laptop or mobile. I have an hour's therapy with my three counsellors and frequent angry shouts from my parents to make me revisit my room and all those books i keep abandoning.

Usually I'd just open up my books while i go on a world tour....in my head. so far i have been to Italy,Spain,China, England, America, Turkey, Germany, Australia, Canada, Dubai and France with absolutely no hurdles of passport, air travel expenses or packing issues.
I even make up stories in my head, think of publishing them but then the mere thought of having to type all those plots and dialogues makes me reject the notion entirely. Instead of actually bothering to read my text books I'd go back in time to those good days I spent with family and friends or I'd simply prefer to stare at the walls. When I exhaust all my resources I'd once again leave my room and watch some more tv, some more seasons and movies, some more of my mobile.
By the time I have wasted my whole day, I'd have this burden on my chest, a profound guilt, a tormenting regret and fierce hatred for myself. I'd scold myself, make myself promise that tomorrow I will be strong, I will be determined, devoted and serious, I will not waste time, I will study! But the fire douses as soon as it burns because when I wake up the next morning I forget all about the unbreakable vow I made to myself. So the redundant past becomes a ritual.

Not long ago I could study. I studied for 8 hours consecutive before I took a recess. My mum had to forcefully make me drop my books. Now, I look at my old self with yearning and envy because in a world where people are buried in the coffin of books, my new self is a pariah.

Life always becomes messy when the examination is around the corner but never before had it been so messy. Probably because this time it is my first prof. I am inexperienced, confused, scared, hopeless and what not? I am devastated! I am waiting for the time when this all will be over!
Sadly, that time is far far away because it isn't just these five years there's more...a lot more. I'd be old and jaded by then. All my youth gone wasted, devouring in books that I can't memorize, containing the vast knowledge of human medicine in a brain that weighs no more than 3 pounds. Too much pressure hunh?
Sometimes, I pity our brains. Sometimes, I wonder why I chose medicine? Why put myself on a suicide mission? Sometimes I think the best way to torture your captive (if you ever decide to take one) is to make him study. Honestly, it's the hardest thing I've ever done and indeed, it is very cumbersome. Sometimes, I think being Batman would've been easier. Sometimes I think what if i'd been born back in the 1800's? No medicine for me then or so much of study? Life would've been at peace.

And so I'd fill my brain with thoughts like these rather than make space for the immense knowledge I need to accomodate. I use my brain on petty issues like these rather than practice it on issues that need my immediate attention. I waste my time like this rather than go back in my room and study like a good girl.


Comments

Here's more you should read...

USMLE Step 1 Experience by Ayaz Mehmood (Score : 99/266)

USMLE Step 1 Experience by Ayaz Mehmood (Score : 99/266)
Salam everyone, let me start in the name of Allah who’s the greatest benefactor of all mankind. I am going to write a detailed composition regarding preparation for USMLE Step 1. I am a final year student at King Edward Medical University and I took my exam on June 10th. Final year is the year before internship/ house job in Pakistan. I just got my scores: 99/266



Let me introduce some myths surrounding USMLE Step 1 which are especially prevalent within Pakistan; I am not too sure about India because I heard their students typically appear in their final years.


 Myth number 1:Do not appear for USMLE Step 1 within your graduation

 Verdict: Baseless, illogical reasoning

Explanation: This is so prevalent in Pakistan it’s almost pathetic. One of the biggest concerns surrounding our students is that Step 1 is a huge risk to be taken before graduation. Let me put it in another way: Step1 would always remain a risk whenever it is taken, …

Australian Medical Council AMC Part 1 Guide - Experience and Tips

AMC Part 1 by Dr. Asad Khizar Malik (Rank : 77/620) Australian Medical Council  Guide - Experience and Tips
Salam people, let me start in the name of Allah who’s the greatest benefactor of all mankind. Hope everyone is doing great. I'll try to write as much as I can for the people who are due to various reasons more interested in joining Australian Hospitals for post-grad training as compared to the USMLE pathway.

I am a graduate of King Edward Medical University, class of 2004-2010. I did my 6 months house job after graduation in Mayo Hospital, and after that, i gave my AMC Part 1 in November, 2010 from Brisbane. With the grace of Allah, I passed that in first attempt.

So lets start with the discussion here, but PLEASE NOTE THAT IT IS ENTIRELY MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE AND REASONING WHY I PREFERRED AUSTRALIA OVER USA FOR RESIDENCY.

First thing in mind that comes with post grad training in Pakistani doctors minds is: Which way to go after graduation? That is a very tough decision that is …

FSc Premedical Guide - How to fly high..

FSc Premedical Guide - How to fly high.. Unsa Athar Your 40% needs to be excellent to get into KEMU or  some other good place.
(Dedicated to my teachers who not only taught me the fsc books but also many priceless lessons of life)
(Unsa Athar)
The tree that never had to fight For sun and sky and air and light, But stood out in the open rain And always got its share and rain, Never became a forest king, But lived and died a scrubby thing… Good timber does not grow with ease, The stronger wind, the stronger trees.
Getting yourself educated in the desi manner i.e. through the Board of Intermediate and Secondary Education is one of the top most challenges of today’s society. Matriculation seems difficult at that time, but when you enter FSc, you realize that matric was the easiest job in the world.  Those obese books of intermediate part I and part II are the worst enemies one can ever have.  People say Medical is tougher, but I find one basic difference in both. When you enter a medical college, y…

HISTOLOGY SLIDES AND HANDMADE DIAGRAMS

Anatomy/Histology Gallery
Read the instructions here 1st Year

Histology Slides for Professional Exams
Folder 1- Labelled Folder 2 - Labelled Folder 3 - Labelled
Histology Revision Slides Updated (2011)
by Laiba Khalid
Lower Limb Anatomy Spotting Labelled
http://kemunited.blogspot.com/2013/05/lower-limb-spotting-labelled.html

Embryology Models Some models are labelled and others mentioned in comments

Anatomy Museum Models (unlabelled) This album covers Upper limb, Lower limb and Thorax regions of anatomy

2nd Year
HISTOLOGY Diagrams Hand-drawn CARDS 2ND YEAR MBBSThese are hand-drawn histology diagrams by Demonstrator Dr. Shaista (Dept of Anatomy, KEMU) and submitted by Anosha.NEUROLOGY/ Neuroantomy SPOTTING  (LABELLED SPECIMEN) 2ND YEAR  Each structure is labelled and a great job done by Anosha. Neuroanatomy / Brain 2nd Year Important topics by LaibaNeuroanatomy Models Labelled  Gross models labelled by Maryam Shahid Abdomen & Pelvis Anatomy Spots Labelled Excellent job by Maryam Shahid
Anatomy Learni…

USMLE Step 2 CK experience by Rizwan Khan (254)

IN THE NAME OF ALLAH THE MOST BENEFICENT AND MERCIFUL

     I recently got done with Step 2 CK exam & I want to elaborate my experience and the mistakes that I made during my prep so that any of my colleagues who are preparing for this exam might benefit from them. I wont go much in detail about how to prepare and where to prepare from since it is already highly debated on the forum and in the previous posts but would focus more on my personal experience and the bad choices which I made during the preparation phase.
SELF-ASSESSMENTS AND QBANKS Uworld 74% Kaplan Qbank 69%
Kaplan diagnostics  = 80% (70 days before exam) Kaplan Simulation Exam 1 = 71% (50 days before exam) Kaplan Simulation Exam 2 = 76%  (40 days before exam) Fred simulation for CK = 84% (39 days before exam) NBME 2 (offline) 21 mistakes (30 days before exam)
NBME 4  =    263 (13 days before exam) UWSA =  259 (2 days before exam)
Real exam = 254