My terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days - THE PROF

AYESHA SAEED MALIK
1st YEAR MBBS

I thought I'd not be blogging till the end of prof, I thought I wont be wasting time, I thought I'd be serious about my studies, I thought I could take over the arena of prof like a victorious gladiator. I thought wrong. Haven't been more wrong in my entire life.
I'd heard heard dire tales from a lot of people including my mother, of a hellish land of books, despair doom, disdain, depression, anxiety and worthlessness - A land ruled by a merciless king called THE PROF. I thought I could handle it. I mean, after surviving four years of gruelling matric and fsc how could I have thought otherwise?
But, now just a glimpse of this devil's dungeon and I am desperately looking for an exit. I dont think I'd even make a month out of it. It's a no-survival zone. No one comes out of it un-harmed! It's like being stuck in your worst nightmare with no way out. No hope. No life. Nothing. Only, pitch darkness.

Like most obtusely delusional people I thought I could do it, I could pass. It didn't take long before I took a 180 degree turn and accepted the cruel reality.
I cant study. I try. I want to, but I cant. I yank myself out of my comfort zone and open my text books only to be terrorized by the mountain of untouched, unstudied syllabus that needs to be memorized. I take deep breaths, fill my lungs with air beyond their capacity and tread on an expedition that has no hope of treasure. I struggle for 10 minutes maximum before my stamina gives in and I leave my books as it is and run out of my room to sit in front of the tv or laptop or mobile. I have an hour's therapy with my three counsellors and frequent angry shouts from my parents to make me revisit my room and all those books i keep abandoning.

Usually I'd just open up my books while i go on a world tour....in my head. so far i have been to Italy,Spain,China, England, America, Turkey, Germany, Australia, Canada, Dubai and France with absolutely no hurdles of passport, air travel expenses or packing issues.
I even make up stories in my head, think of publishing them but then the mere thought of having to type all those plots and dialogues makes me reject the notion entirely. Instead of actually bothering to read my text books I'd go back in time to those good days I spent with family and friends or I'd simply prefer to stare at the walls. When I exhaust all my resources I'd once again leave my room and watch some more tv, some more seasons and movies, some more of my mobile.
By the time I have wasted my whole day, I'd have this burden on my chest, a profound guilt, a tormenting regret and fierce hatred for myself. I'd scold myself, make myself promise that tomorrow I will be strong, I will be determined, devoted and serious, I will not waste time, I will study! But the fire douses as soon as it burns because when I wake up the next morning I forget all about the unbreakable vow I made to myself. So the redundant past becomes a ritual.

Not long ago I could study. I studied for 8 hours consecutive before I took a recess. My mum had to forcefully make me drop my books. Now, I look at my old self with yearning and envy because in a world where people are buried in the coffin of books, my new self is a pariah.

Life always becomes messy when the examination is around the corner but never before had it been so messy. Probably because this time it is my first prof. I am inexperienced, confused, scared, hopeless and what not? I am devastated! I am waiting for the time when this all will be over!
Sadly, that time is far far away because it isn't just these five years there's more...a lot more. I'd be old and jaded by then. All my youth gone wasted, devouring in books that I can't memorize, containing the vast knowledge of human medicine in a brain that weighs no more than 3 pounds. Too much pressure hunh?
Sometimes, I pity our brains. Sometimes, I wonder why I chose medicine? Why put myself on a suicide mission? Sometimes I think the best way to torture your captive (if you ever decide to take one) is to make him study. Honestly, it's the hardest thing I've ever done and indeed, it is very cumbersome. Sometimes, I think being Batman would've been easier. Sometimes I think what if i'd been born back in the 1800's? No medicine for me then or so much of study? Life would've been at peace.

And so I'd fill my brain with thoughts like these rather than make space for the immense knowledge I need to accomodate. I use my brain on petty issues like these rather than practice it on issues that need my immediate attention. I waste my time like this rather than go back in my room and study like a good girl.


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